Ready for the upswing...anytime now...

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. Life kinda smacked us upside the face.

This is my last semester of nursing school. The past 2 months I have had 2 classes (med surg 3 and psychiatric nursing) and their 2 clinicals at the hospitals.  This semester is insanely difficult. I really want to knock out the students that complain about not having enough time to study when they don't have kids or a job to worry about!  Anyway, so this week psych and its clinical ended. Still waiting to see if I passed. Now its just medsurg 3 and clinical. Then I'll be done!! As long as I pass that is....

Ian got really sick and had to have his appendix out. Boy can that little thing cause some big pain! And now today at the doctor he found out he may be needing his gallbladder out (can't stop puking). He has an ultrasound on Monday.  I mean I hope he is okay and all, but I can't have him out of commission another week!!

We've had some issues come up with E. Random family members keep popping up and trying to take her. Every time my phone rings I dred to see DCS pop up, just to hear more bad news. You might as well commit me if we lose her. But legally, I can't say anything more at this point.

I've LOVED my psych clinicals and working at the hospital with the psych patients. Seriuosly, there are some scary people in there, but some people that are really really hurting inside. "Hurt people hurt people." So so true. But the thing that has gotten me the most working psych this semester...is what its brought up inside me. Its brought up a lot that I've kept deep inside me for years. And its so freakin painful to deal with. Thank goodness for shrinks. Maybe the reason I like my psych patients so much is because I can relate to a degree and understand them some. I might never have been commited to a unit before, but I can identify with a lot they feel. Not quite the schizophrenic ones! But the ones that are there due to some really sucky situations in life.  Anyway, while I've enjoyed it....I've also been forced to look at a lot of my own 'hurts' inside.

I've also been having some big health issues lately. I don't really want to go into detail, but the doctor and I are trying to work on some stuff to get levels evened out. Stuff is improving, but we've got some work to do still.

The 3 sibs finally got their genetics eval done. They have been diagnosed on the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum. That was some of the most difficult news to hear. We knew it was coming, but to hear it from a professionals mouth that specializes in FAS.....that sucked hardcore. I started crying right there in front of the doctor. And since have had almost daily breakdowns. Knowing what these three precious kids have in front of them is so so hard to think about. And just this past week, we have also had the possiblities of autism and epilepsy thrown at us, too. Not to mention ADHD (that was a given).

And here is the worst part of the last couple months.  The adoptions of the 3 have fallen through. They won't be a part of our forever family. DCS said they will be moved by Thanksgiving. (legally, I can't say more than that.) So yes, they are still living with us.....which is crazy painful. Everytime they call me mommy or snuggle up to me I phsyically feel my heart breaking. At times I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest it hurts so badly.  I know God is in control....but I just wish I knew His plan.  What will happen to these babies??  Why couldn't we figure out how to make it work?? Will they think we didn't love them and abandoned them??  Did we fail them??  I seriously feel like the biggest failure as a mother.  Knowing that they aren't going to be with us forever, I feel myself starting to pull away. I'm trying so hard not to, but I'm terrified of the pain that is still to come. But please if you pray for anything, please pray these children will be safe and happy and know Christ's love. And please pray they won't be split up. Chances are...they will be. A special needs sib group of 3 is just about impossible to place. But God is bigger than anything. And He loves these children dearly. I pray they grow to know Him and His love. I pray wherever they end up, that they will be safe and know their heavenly Father will protect them. I wish we could have been a part of that.

So, there is the past 2 months in an ugly nutshell. I've never felt like my life was falling apart as much as I do now. (And no, God, I'm not asking for yet another challenge. I understand things can always be worse....)  We have court for E this week.....and I'm so paranoid of more bad news.  I have seriously come to dred my phone ringing. This week's court is just to check in on the case to see where everything stands...and I really pray it stands in favor of E's best interest....